A Mother’s Perspective
written by Candy, my Mom
As the parent of a child with TMJ disorder, the first thing I want to say is that I am not perfect. I get impatient, and on occasion exhibit and those behaviors that I condemn in others who don’t live with this situation on a daily basis. I think this is mostly due to frustration, and the inability to stop the cycle that has turned our lives upside down. Having said that, I must also add that I am the eternal optimist. Frustrations are short lived, and replaced with hope. Hope that the next procedure will be the last, hope that my child will once again leave the nest and be whole again.
TMJ disorder has been an all encompassing disease. It has affected every aspect of our lives, but we have learned to cope with the limits it presents.
We have learned not to make plans, but take the days as they come. I will try to run down the list of adjustments we have made, and the coping mechanisms I use to make our lives easier.
*Food - Our refrigerator and cupboards are filled with soft foods such as puddings, potatoes for baking, soups, oatmeal, cereal, fresh fruit for smoothies, and liquid diet supplements. Stacy uses the rubber coated baby spoons.
*Sleep - This has been an area that we have not been able to control. Stacy pretty much sleeps when she can. We have found that using one of those neck pillows with the tiny pellets in it helps relieve pressure because she puts her ear in the hole. Sleep medications have not been able to induce the quality and duration of sleep that she needs because she wakes up as soon as they wear off. Her 8 hours of sleep is usually from cat naps during the day, and a 4 to 5 hour stretch at night. It is difficult for me to adjust to this because out of habit, I find it to be my job as a Mother to see that my children are sleeping at night. My children have made a joke out of me telling them to “go to bed,” something I continue to do even though two of them live hours away.
*Shopping and Lunch - Now you might think I am crazy, but this is a natural part of the Mother Daughter bonding experience. Stacy and I used to shop like it was a job. Now we go to Target, fill a cart with all the things we want (not need), then Stacy tires out, and we abandon the cart, and go home. Thereby fulfilling the urge to shop, without having the expense, and we avoid standing in line. On a good day, we will make minor purchases, and skip going to lunch because a nap is in order.
*TMJ Friends - Stacy spends hours each day on the internet, researching, answering questions, talking on the phone, and writing articles. During my periods of frustration, I get upset that she can do all those things and not participate more in the running of the household. It is difficult for me to hold back my feelings at times, and I become short tempered. However, I do try to understand that it is important for her to feel that she is doing something to help others and take the focus of herself. To her credit, Stacy has given 110% to the organization and has more determination than anyone I know. But dang it, Stacy, can’t you just put your dishes in the dishwasher? (I feel better now…LOL)
*Relationships with family - This is a pretty sticky topic. Stacy has been living with her stepfather Rich and myself on and off for the past 2 years while she undergoes medical treatment. It has been a difficult situation at times. The rest of the family thinks she should be working and living on her own. Sometimes I think if she had another disease, or a growth that they could see, they would be more sympathetic. We have several concerns about their attitudes, and how they will treat her when she has the joint replacements. We live with the fear that they might not be successful. Rich, her Stepfather, has been wonderful and has accepted the situation with grace. Stacy’s younger brother has a hard time understanding and sometimes seems resentful of the attention she gets. I think that his reaction is pretty normal, and I talk to him often about his feelings. Does it help? I don’t know! The relationship Stacy has with her father is a whole article of it’s own, and I won’t even go there except to say that when it comes down to it, he is as supportive as he knows how to be.
*Money - Do you have an hour? Her father contributes when pushed into it, and extracts a price for every penny he gives. He does pay for some of her medical expenses, and is in a financial position to pay all of them.
*Surgeries - This subject is a mothers worst nightmare. Stacy has been through so many, and each one presents a new set of issues that we thought we had prepared for. Pain management is the worst, we fight with nurses, threaten to leave AMA, and still have not been able to conquer this problem. Somehow communication between anesthesiologists, surgeons, and nurses is lost when the surgery is over and Stacy is left in excruciating pain. We go into each surgery with humor.. writing notes on Stacy’s body, reminding the surgeon to wash his hands, noting which side is the WRONG side… you get the picture. We always remember to bring her blankie for recovery. Inevitably, she comes out of surgery in pain and it is never controlled. When she spends the night, I stay with her. I always prepare her room for homecoming.. fill it with her favorite flowers, scented candles, her favorite beech sheets (ask Stacy about these). Of course her laptop is in place next to the bed so she can hop on the board and give you the latest update.
The pain of seeing your child go through surgery does not ease up after the second, third, of sixth time. I have learned to do my crying at night when I am alone, some may view my reactions as being unemotional, but the emotions are there, just under the surface. I have learned to control them before they control me.
In closing, I would like to say that like you, I don’t have the answers. I can only share my side of the story in hopes that those of you reading it will get a better understanding of what the view is like from this side of TMJ disorder.
The only sage advice I can give is to keep your sense of humor, and “GO TO BED!”
